anoomynous

Who am I?

2011-12-05T17:06:00.000+05:30

If I had no memory, would I still be Me? Even to describe myself as Me, I must resort to language. What language can exist in the absence of memory? So without language then, would I still be Me?

More than the blank finality of death, there’s something desolate about how much we are each just a random and hurried copy-paste job… that our idea of who we are is nothing more than a bunch of memories. We ARE simply what we didn’t forget.

Bewildered

2010-12-03T11:39:00.000+05:30

why do I feel this world is unreal
a glitch between sleeping and waking
a song on repeat, on a player long forgotten.
reality beckons from under the quilt of this dream
wondering if I will return to her bed
satisfied, or restless to dream again.
where are all these people going
what needs doing
what must be achieved
when does it end, and how
how must this life be lived
who am I, really, and who are you
do we all exist, and does the world
or are we wisps of coloured dream-stuff
does no one else ask these questions
can no one give answers I could believe
what bliss? where love? how wholeness?
it smells and looks like madness
two steps too many on the wrong side
one step on the right
is this the joy of solitude they speak of
or the curse of being alone,
in our own private worlds
complete with heaven and hell
and a strange, melancholy longing
for an eternal unknown

Wisdom in a Mumbai taxi

2010-11-19T14:16:00.000+05:30

"Mahim chalenge Bhaisaab?"

"Bhaiyya, Mahim jaaoge?"

"Mahim...?

"Aap jayenge Mahim?"

"Bhaisaab aap--"

A polite nod from the driver of the black-and-yellow Fiat taxi, among the many parked near Bandra station, and a sigh of relief from me. I struggled briefly to unlock the door by putting my hand in through the open window, and then slid into the seat, pulling the door shut after me. I settled down, taking in the not-old-not-new beige seat covers with coffee brown squares woven in, and the taxi had just started moving when the driver inquired quietly, "Kitne logon ne manaa kar diya? Chaar-paanch?" (How many drivers turned you down? Four or five?)

I looked up, startled - it sounded more like a statement than a question and didn't seem to warrant an answer; obviously he had observed all that had transpired. I caught his eye in the rear view mirror - he must have been in his late forties: narrow frame, short hair greying at the fringes, and a thin moustache also peppered with white. In the harsh reflections of the afternoon sun on the mirror, I couldn't tell if his eyes were black or brown mixed with grey, but they seemed calm: the eyes of a man who had courted life through her ups and downs, and in doing so, had learnt lessons in equanimity, perhaps...

With a wan smile at the mirror, I let on, "Haan chaar... pataa nahin kyun manaa kar diya..." (Yes, four. But I wonder why they turned me down.)

"Lambi savaari chahte hain sab. Paas mein koi nahin jaana chahta," (they all want passengers for long journeys, no one wants short rides) he said to me in the mirror.

"Par Mahim pahunchkar bhi to unhe lambi savaari mil sakti thi, yahaan din-bhar baithe rehne ka kya faayda?" (They'd just as well find such a passenger on reaching Mahim, what's the point of just waiting here all day?) I mumbled, more to myself than to him, not expecting him to hear.

"Yehi to woh log nahin jaante," (this is exactly what those people don't know) he said matter-of-factly - his tone neither smug nor arrogant, just sure of himself and quietly confident - as though he was merely stating a fundamental truth of life - a truth he had understood and made his own. And he had so casually shared that precious truth with me.

It hit me then as we forged ahead in the heat and dust, nearly hitting and missing pedestrians as they crossed in a rush before us. That's exactly what I needed to do for myself - follow this simple truth of life. Hadn't I waited for such a passenger all my life - waited for the perfect job, the perfect partner, the perfect home, perfect solutions to life's bizarre equations? Sure, I hadn't sat around idly, but I had waited in my mind nonetheless, choosing to see only what I wanted to see, ignoring the signs I thought would take me astray. I had waited for that one right answer - the kind that resolves many questions in one sweep - like a singular unified theory of the universe. By waiting, I had probably frittered away the little opportunities and possibilities life had pushed my way - those short rides life wanted me to take in good faith, which might have led me to that glorious long ride by bringing me to the right places at the right time. This is the wisdom of life, its very nature - it moves tirelessly, patiently, and carries us with it - letting the journey enrich and enlighten us as it unfolds, little by little. The choices we make along the way are as important as the final destination.

I was handed a gem in a black-and-yellow taxi, on a warm, unsuspecting afternoon by a simple man in khaki; but to me, it was as if the universe had spoken. The universe doesn't always give us answers to the questions we cling to - not because it doesn't know, not because it doesn't want to - but probably because we're asking the wrong questions. Sometimes the right question dawns on us after we have received the answer. My lesson from this is powerful, and strangely liberating: Be open, be ready to receive, for the universe is waiting to bless us with gifts at every step, especially those we didn't know we needed.

I need to keep moving as I seek and search; to be open to all possibilities even if these don't appear exactly the way I wanted or imagined them in my head, trusting that the universe sees brilliant futures where I might see only dead ends or dark alleys. All I really need to do is to trust the universe, trust myself, and keep moving in tune with life. And everything will happen just the way it is meant to.

Revelation

2010-10-30T16:43:00.000+05:30

I dive deep into your eyes

looking for you

and find myself

there too

Strangers I love

2010-10-23T09:40:00.000+05:30

Here I am, discovering anew,
People I thought I already knew.
For years they lived as shadows in my head.
Now suddenly I find them in my heart, instead.
How-much-is-known, and how-much-remains,
Dissolves in the joy of knowing them again.

Paradise

2009-09-23T19:33:00.000+05:30

There are moments when I am so close to the edge
just under the skin of that unseen boundary,
which like an invisible womb holds me warmly within.
The slightest push and I will be through -
out into the real, the whole, the beginning, the end.
But this dream, oh this beautiful dream!
To touch and to see, to know and to feel, to lose and to find.
To feel misery and pain and ecstasy divine.
Tastes and smells, sights and sounds,
thoughts and emotions - so many impressions,
so many experiences, and each is mine.
Each tells me I'm alive.
Each echoes who I am.
The source. The all. The One. Where nothing lies beyond.
But the magic lies in the dream.
And I don't want to wake up.
Not yet.
Not yet.

The penny dropped

2009-02-11T11:15:00.000+05:30

It is more valuable, and so much more fun to love and be loved, than to be right.

The power of the common cold

2008-12-24T11:22:00.000+05:30

There’s something about being unwell, that gives it the unique power to make me more alive, in a sense. A severe cold, while apparently an irritant in the smooth progression of life, is a forced break from the monotony of worldliness. My body is relaxed and limp. Focussed on the inside to recuperate, it is less concerned with the outside world. The mind follows suit, and puts down its defences – the will to resist anything, disappears. The sense of vulnerability brings with it freshness, simplicity and innocence.

I’m no longer struggling with the world or myself.

My internal drama comes to an abrupt halt. Every sensory experience becomes lucid, beautiful, sometimes surreal. The lightest breath of the breeze sends the body scurrying to pull on its blanket of goose bumps. I’m deeply grateful for being privileged to have hot water on my back and in my glass. The mind is at rest, allowing the body to use every resource to regain control, to reassert and reestablish itself. A soft silence envelops me in a comforting embrace. I no longer need conversation or activity to keep up the pretence of ‘living’, because strangely, I feel so much more alive than my busiest, healthiest self.

There is something about giving up control that is extremely powerful and liberating.

Perhaps this is what it really means to go with the flow. It makes me wonder where I’m rushing to, and why…

Little Light

2008-07-14T20:15:00.000+05:30

There is a storm raging inside me
There always has been
There is a light deep inside
A light that is tiny, cool and bright
It speaks to me softly, it is my inner voice
The storm clouds are black and thunderous
The wind screams through my head and the rain weeps in my heart
They seem to swallow my light
But it shows up now and again
A flashing circle in my darkest eye
And a tiny flame, now hidden now seen
Its light seems to rise from the depths of me.
I want the clouds to clear away
I want the thunder to subside
I want my little light to shine through
Bright and steady and unwavering
It will show me the way through a billion starless nights
It will bring me home where I can rest.
But the storm threatens to blot it out
To choke it, kill it, stamp it out.
Don't die on me little light
You're all I've got.
Take me with you little light,
To that blessed place where this long night ends
And even death is poor respite.

Tantrika

2008-04-10T16:10:00.000+05:30

To practise Tantra well is to be a Tantrika, a woman who isn't defined by anything, living compassionately, lovingly, blissfully, and fearlessly with appropriate wrathfulness when necessary. To master Tantra is to become a dakini, a woman who dances in the sky, flying free of the things in life that keep her hostage to ego, fear and boundaries.

She is a sky dancer whose flight takes her through a spiritual voyage of clarity, fearlessness, and ecstasy that liberates her from worldly existence. A Tantrika is a divine creation, a goddess with a small g, respected, honoured, and worshipped, liberated from shame, fear, expectation, exploitation, and suppression. She is free to be adventurous, aggressive, and bold in her efforts to find enlightenment. She is a yogini who has awakened to her inner fire and helps others light their own.

She isn't defined by the dualities of worldly life. Man. Woman. Old. Young. Good. Bad. Sane. Insane. East. West. She moves beyond these boundaries to a place of non-duality where she exists with simple honesty, compassion and wisdom.

- Asra Q. Nomani

Freedom

2007-10-23T12:45:00.000+05:30

To give without feeling depleted.
To receive without feeling indebted.
Such is the power of freedom.

The River

2007-10-01T18:47:00.000+05:30

Three different coloured toothbrushes in a clear glass tumbler...
Three people in a room: two on the bed, one on the floor - no one asks to toss a coin...
Half-remembered, half-manufactured memories: clear enough to feel familiar, hazy enough to confuse or confound...
Jokes no one else might ever hear, or find as funny...
A twinkle in the eye promises mischief, a faraway look says "let me be"...
Milky tea and apologetic pakodas...
Two pairs of feet dipped in a darkening river...
Shared cigarettes and a smooth transition from Blender's Pride to Old Monk...
Blurring age lines and merry laugh lines...
Roles reversed without prior warning: now three parents, now three children, and now... who cares?!
Tight hugs and many kisses that are impossible to spell...
Some families we are born into. Some, we make.
The river saw it all...

Lessons

2007-09-05T10:17:00.000+05:30

The lessons we wish others to learn are, perhaps, the lessons we most need to learn ourselves...

Spirituality

2007-01-13T10:59:00.001+05:30

A friend asked me if I had "taken to spirituality" because I was seeking resolution of some sort. Sure there have been ups and downs in my life at various points, some inner turmoil, some conflicts, just like anyone else. But was I driven to spirituality by my 'problems'?

To me, spirituality has never been a separate path that I had to choose or reject. What resides in me and makes me alive is Spirit. What I refer to or mean when I say 'I' or 'Me' is nothing but this very Spirit. And its nature can be nothing but spirituality - which is simply the quality of being, so how can I "take to it" or "adopt it as a way of life"? Spirituality is the very essence and expression of being, of life, of my complete and unquestionable confidence in the truth that I Am. Trying to separate it as a 'path' is like trying to separate wetness from water, or warmth from fire, or brightness from light...

Woman

2007-01-11T13:19:00.000+05:30

I work. I play. I rest. I am complete.
I indulge. I celebrate. I am happy.
I seek. I search. I find. I am fulfilled.
I look around. I look inside. I accept my world, and myself.
I dream. I wish. I make. I am a creator.
I think. I feel. I do. I am alive.
I nurture. I care. I protect. I am powerful.
I learn. I grow. I am always evolving.
I trust. I believe. I am faithful.
I forgive. And forget. I heal myself, and others.
I give. I take. I share. I am open.
I live. I love. I ascend. I am Woman.

Reasons

2006-12-05T16:14:00.000+05:30

The mind has an insatiable hunger for reasons.
Explanations.
Cause-effect.
Understanding.
Answers.
But why?
And how?
What if?
Could it be?

I stopped asking, and was filled.

Flowering

2006-12-03T14:21:00.000+05:30

There was a time when happiness was fragile. We were told, don't be too happy, for pain and sorrow are bound to follow. Guard your happiness, don't show it, lest it invite envy and jealousy or tempt the Evil Eye. There was a time when happiness was an event. Limited. Dependent. Reducible. Perhaps I built fences around my happiness (which was possible, then.) Fences around myself. Not walls, but fences. Selective entry. Selective exit.

But this happiness, oh the wonder of it. It happens of its own accord - this vast stillness - in which the smallest joy is magnified. It is the return of innocence. Of newness. Of un-inquisitive amazement. Of outer peace and inner beauty.

The sight of my morning face before I brush my teeth, is the simplest, purest, most beautiful part of my day. My eyes are clear and soft, there is no trace of make up, and I can't stop smiling with the immense love that wells up in my heart. And the strange thing is, I never plan it. I half walk-half stumble to the bathroom each morning, wishing away sleep, and I turn on the light, step in front of the mirror, and...! This beautiful vision greets me, and it takes me by surprise. The sudden thrill is always new, each day, like I'm seeing me for the first time... and maybe I am...

With this happiness comes great inner strength. Like something unshakable inside. Unflappable. For many years there was turmoil on the inside and apparent stillness on the outside. Now, there is stillness within, no matter what it looks like on the surface. It allows me to get off the defensive. There is no longer a need to protect myself. Nor is there an urge to explain myself, or prove something. There is no need to voice my case. There is no need to be right. There is no need to be 'consistent'. There is a fluid awareness, a sort of undefined beingness, where I know that I am, without the desire to rationalise it.

When we stop assuming we know is when we, perhaps, come closer to knowing.

Violence

2006-11-24T10:48:00.000+05:30

When we believe we are not deserving of love, or not worthy enough, but are unaware of this feeling, perhaps we tend to express this discomfort in the form of aggression - verbal, mental or physical. It is a reflection of both, assumed inadequacy of the self and largesse of the other.

True love does not force the other to bend or break. With love comes grace, and grace lifts people. It does not inflict wounds. This nagging sense of inadequacy sometimes pushes us to overcompensate through a show of power, by the use of authority or by demanding respect.

When we feel whole and complete, there is no need to prove a point or make a noise. The battle is already won. Or even better, there is no battle in the first place, for there are no longer two sides. Violence, then, stems from poverty. Poverty of the small self. And is that not punishment enough? The violent person is the weakest of the lot, who unable and unwilling to truly love himself and the other, deems it necessary to fill the void with snatched glory, which is nothing but fear in poor disguise.

Transience

2006-11-05T14:25:00.000+05:30

The smoke rising from this cigarette has no ego.
It does not choose when it will be born
or when it will die.
Yet it dances exquisitely in the breeze
for the length of a heartbeat
before losing itself forever, completely,
without a thought in between.

What makes me think my life should be any different?

Happiness

2006-10-24T14:14:00.000+05:30

When I peel it down to its bare essence, happiness is simply the absence of conflict.

Conflict requires two - two persons, two ideas, two theories, two forces, two feelings, two thoughts, two reasons, two desires... if there were just one, there would be no conflict, because the One, by definition, is unified and unopposed.

As long as one sees separateness - physical or mental - there is scope for conflict. And happiness, as I see it, is really a state of peace, a state of equilibrium - which requires either the absence of opposing forces or a perfect balance of opposing forces, where the net result is nil - shunya - the great beginning or the great end. Pure bliss.

I am all there is

2006-10-22T15:45:00.000+05:30

what more can be said?

Circles

2006-10-21T16:31:00.000+05:30

What makes me feel I have somewhere to go, something to achieve?
What makes me feel 'now' is not yet the right time, and 'here' is not quite the right place?
What makes me believe there must be a purpose to this meandering and toiling (which ebb and flow like the tide)?
What makes me question my answers, yet get caught in the trap of unspoken words?
How deep can one really go? And how far?
And is there really a need to go deep or far? It belies my restlessness with 'here' and 'now'.
This seeking is a mind game, for I know not what I seek. Who or what is the Self that evades me?
If the Self is All and All is the Self, where does this seeking come from, and for what?
How does one reconcile the multitude of beliefs and theories that attempt to explain the inexplicable?
And how does one follow the wordless trust that only nudges us gently, now and then? It seems to say: "I am. I am here and now. I am always. Always with you. I am you. There is no other."
How does one pretend that life has to be lived as the books say, when one's heart speaks a different tongue?
I want no rules, no should, no must, no because… You might say: "Then drop the rules. Live the way you want. You hold the chains in your own hands. No one else is responsible, or even interested, really…"
Something in me resists throwing off the chains – fear, insecurity, incomplete trust, and a nagging feeling that there is nothing to throw off and nothing to achieve. I am already free.
But parts of me want to live in a shell, in a cocoon. Parts of me want to experience life, taste it, touch it, feel it – at my pace, on my terms.
Even here, a part of me is unwilling to experience fully – the way life presents itself. There is always resistance. I keep asking 'why', not 'how'.
Good Lord! Why do I go round in circles? Like the dog trying to catch its own tail… Why! Why! Why!

Until now, since then

2006-10-21T15:58:00.000+05:30

My brother encouraged me to set up a blog and post my thoughts, addressed to no one in particular, yet exposed to the scrutiny of any passerby. I guess that's the nice thing about blogs - they allow you to just throw open your innerspace, toss thoughts around, play with words and examine emotions, with no obligation to be 'correct' or 'acceptable' or 'logical' or 'practical'. There is no immediate listener, so one has the pleasure of imagining that one is pouring one's heart out to a very patient, non-judgemental, benevolent listener. Suits me just fine. Thank you, brother.

What I have posted so far is some of my earlier writing, which may not be representative of my current mental scenery. But then, with all this confusion over past, present and future, and knowing fully well that all that IS is here and now, and given the fact that the present doesn't really exist, as it is merely an imaginary line separating the past from the future, one would imagine it has little significance when I wrote those words, or even why...

So welcome to this blog, and thanks for stopping by...

Living - Life

2006-10-21T14:11:00.000+05:30

What is day and what is night?
What is wrong and what is right?
Is your answer yours or mine?
Are my words just falling in line
with a plan someone thought best for me?
Till one day, with eyes wide open - I see -
All that has ever been, was simply meant to be.

Why and How

2006-10-20T23:48:00.000+05:30

'Why' comes from resistance, from defiance, from an unwillingness to surrender. 'Why' doesn't necessarily mean 'I don't know' but implies that something is not the way I expect it to be. It doesn't ask for help, it asks for justification – it wants an answer that will convince me (within my limited framework of understanding). If the answer fails to fit into my framework, it gives rise to another 'why', even more defiant and aggressive.

Asking 'why' needs no commitment, no promise of action. On the contrary, it promises judgement and opinions – more words. The answer to my 'why' can remain hanging in the air or can fuel further debate. With 'why' there can be change, but no progress. The world of 'why' is a safe place.

'How' is softer, more fluid, shapeless - ready to take on any quality you desire. 'How' is not a question then, it is the answer itself. 'How' implies "I don't know, but I trust you to help me". 'How' brings with it a silent commitment to act.

To act, one must be fearless and sincere. The world of 'how' is fraught with uncertainty, but is rooted in the here and now. All action can only happen in the present moment. The world of 'how' is active, responsible, brave, committed, loving. It is a world of growth and progress. It is also a world of freedom, which accommodates all probabilities and outcomes, and is not confined to any framework, yours or mine. In the world of 'how', anything is possible.